Friday, June 24, 2016


I am not depressed.

This is not a cry for help, or a cry for attention. This is an expression of feelings I've recently had to confront and wrestle with for the last few months.

Don't be alarmed; all of you smart people have probably already seen this in me. It's nothing really new, I've just learned a little more about myself. People in my life have taught me to recognise these feelings.

I am angry with myself. Perhaps angry is too simple and too strong a word. It is a mixture of a few things. I am dissatisfied and unhappy with myself. I feel incompetent, small, and it's a complex that that makes me always feel lesser than the person next to me.

What do I mean? I mean that I am better than no one. I think that if you point out any one person in my life, they are ten times better than me in every way. Inadequacy is my strongest power. Whatever I can do, I'm certain any person can do it better if they put their mind to it.

Have you ever played a Role Playing Game? In it, there is a protagonist, which is normally the main character. He might not always be good, or the strongest, or the most heroic, or the most talented. But he is the protagonist, and this is his story. He is surrounded by people he helps or needs help from.

I am not a protagonist. It is very often that I feel like what we call an NPC. A Non Playable Character. Not to say that there is one singular protagonist in this world, but that whoever encounters me probably has a better backstory, a larger set of skill points and feels like he is the master of himself and his actions.

And I am the NPC that either gives him a quest, sells him items, or talks to him to colour his world. My backstory is weak, my skills are only good enough to help him or her, and I am a chess piece in a computer game.

Don't mistake me though. I think I like helping people. I'm very well set into the role of not being the leader, or the forward man in a work or social setting. I always feel that if decisions ride on me, they fail, even the ones I make for myself. I have no wish for historical significance, or even social significance among my peers.

I like being nobody because I deserve to be a nobody. I have nothing, and that's okay.

People special in my life have asked me: why do you put yourself down so much? Why is it that no one can praise you without you slamming your ego in to the ground?

There are many reasons.

I am afraid of becoming arrogant. I feel that if I take praise, I will swell and forget promises I've made to myself. I will become the monster I hated, and then, I will forever hate myself.

I have no confidence. The fear of arrogance is a dust in the wind compared to how useless I always feel.

I can't do anything right. I am surrounded by amazing people with good backstories, curious plotlines, engorged skillsets and beautiful personalities. I have none of those. If I can write, people around me can do better. I read a lot, but anyone can do that. I can play computer games, but who seriously even gives a damn about that? That's just a distraction from me becoming a better person. I hate myself for playing computer games, and I hate myself whenever I feel proud I've become accomplished in a video game.

Maybe angry isn't strong enough a word. I think I do hate myself for a lot of things.

I am tired of being me. I am tired of being Ray. I always feel terrible and teary when I imagine what kind of legacy I have, what I've done all my life. I always compare myself to others who've achieved so much more, who have experienced small and great things that are beyond my capacity to comprehend.

I hate myself because I'm not smart.
I hate myself for saying I'm not smart as though intelligence is everything in another person.
I hate myself because I'm not good looking.
I hate myself for saying I'm not good looking because that's raging at things that I feel are beyond my control.
I hate myself because I'm not hardworking.
I hate myself for telling myself I'm not hardworking because that isn't a quality you just have, it's something you develop.
I hate myself for being lazy.
I hate myself for telling myself I'm lazy because that's something I can do something about, and I never do anything about it.
I hate myself for not being able to properly approach the girl I like, because I'm a coward.
I hate myself for even having a girl that I like because I'm never going to be good enough for her, and I feel it in my bones every day.
I hate myself for writing this post, because it reveals all that I loathe in me, repeats truths I've constructed for myself all these years, and it makes me feel like an attention seeking brat.
And I hate myself because I think like that.

I feel trapped. I am angry that I feel trapped. I am angry at the fact that I feel angry when I feel trapped.

My own mind is a mess. I can't think for myself because I just end up being angry at myself. So I build worlds. I write poems and stories, read about different universes and people struggling within those universes. I play games that I invest myself wholly into. Because then, I'm not thinking about myself.

That's why I love the Church. It's the activity where I can forget myself and not feel like a terrible person.

So if you try to help me, remember that I can't even help me, and I already hate this sentence I wrote, because it looks like a passive aggressive plea for help with things I should really be dealing with myself.

Don't worry: I already feel angry at how many times I wrote "I" and "myself" in this post. In fact, I'm already upset that I wrote this post.

I am angry, dissatisfied, upset and full of hatred at myself; and I hate myself for it, because I'm  a firm believer that everyone is good in some way.

Just not me.

I feel trapped.