Lethargy

I don't know what's happening to me. From the beginning of time, I've been looking forward to my holidays like nothing else mattered. But this one seems so dead, so crushed. It's not because there isn't anything to do, it just feels as though I don't want to do anything. For the last four days in a row, I've managed to sleep for 12 hours because I didn't see any reason to get out of bed. I didn't eat because I didn't really see the need to eat, and every time I tried to launch a game I just felt like I wasn't having fun, so I stopped. I even went to bed at 7pm because the computer wasn't entertaining me.

I suddenly have this deep-seated lethargy that makes me not want to do anything, not even write. I've tried picking up the pen and pencil but it's as if the ideas are breaking against the dam of my fingers, which have no motivation to pen anything down. Yesterday, I skipped a meeting with my Rhapsody mates and friends because I was too lazy to go out, and I couldn't imagine having fun among so many people. It was something that I had been looking forward to for weeks.

In fact, there is only one thing I feel like I really want to do at this point of time, but it makes me feel selfish and I don't want to drag other people into this.

Me

I am not depressed.

This is not a cry for help, or a cry for attention. This is an expression of feelings I've recently had to confront and wrestle with for the last few months.

Don't be alarmed; all of you smart people have probably already seen this in me. It's nothing really new, I've just learned a little more about myself. People in my life have taught me to recognise these feelings.

I am angry with myself. Perhaps angry is too simple and too strong a word. It is a mixture of a few things. I am dissatisfied and unhappy with myself. I feel incompetent, small, and it's a complex that that makes me always feel lesser than the person next to me.

What do I mean? I mean that I am better than no one. I think that if you point out any one person in my life, they are ten times better than me in every way. Inadequacy is my strongest power. Whatever I can do, I'm certain any person can do it better if they put their mind to it.

Have you ever played a Role Playing Game? In it, there is a protagonist, which is normally the main character. He might not always be good, or the strongest, or the most heroic, or the most talented. But he is the protagonist, and this is his story. He is surrounded by people he helps or needs help from.

I am not a protagonist. It is very often that I feel like what we call an NPC. A Non Playable Character. Not to say that there is one singular protagonist in this world, but that whoever encounters me probably has a better backstory, a larger set of skill points and feels like he is the master of himself and his actions.

And I am the NPC that either gives him a quest, sells him items, or talks to him to colour his world. My backstory is weak, my skills are only good enough to help him or her, and I am a chess piece in a computer game.

Don't mistake me though. I think I like helping people. I'm very well set into the role of not being the leader, or the forward man in a work or social setting. I always feel that if decisions ride on me, they fail, even the ones I make for myself. I have no wish for historical significance, or even social significance among my peers.

I like being nobody because I deserve to be a nobody. I have nothing, and that's okay.

People special in my life have asked me: why do you put yourself down so much? Why is it that no one can praise you without you slamming your ego in to the ground?

There are many reasons.

I am afraid of becoming arrogant. I feel that if I take praise, I will swell and forget promises I've made to myself. I will become the monster I hated, and then, I will forever hate myself.

I have no confidence. The fear of arrogance is a dust in the wind compared to how useless I always feel.

I can't do anything right. I am surrounded by amazing people with good backstories, curious plotlines, engorged skillsets and beautiful personalities. I have none of those. If I can write, people around me can do better. I read a lot, but anyone can do that. I can play computer games, but who seriously even gives a damn about that? That's just a distraction from me becoming a better person. I hate myself for playing computer games, and I hate myself whenever I feel proud I've become accomplished in a video game.

Maybe angry isn't strong enough a word. I think I do hate myself for a lot of things.

I am tired of being me. I am tired of being Ray. I always feel terrible and teary when I imagine what kind of legacy I have, what I've done all my life. I always compare myself to others who've achieved so much more, who have experienced small and great things that are beyond my capacity to comprehend.

I hate myself because I'm not smart.
I hate myself for saying I'm not smart as though intelligence is everything in another person.
I hate myself because I'm not good looking.
I hate myself for saying I'm not good looking because that's raging at things that I feel are beyond my control.
I hate myself because I'm not hardworking.
I hate myself for telling myself I'm not hardworking because that isn't a quality you just have, it's something you develop.
I hate myself for being lazy.
I hate myself for telling myself I'm lazy because that's something I can do something about, and I never do anything about it.
I hate myself for not being able to properly approach the girl I like, because I'm a coward.
I hate myself for even having a girl that I like because I'm never going to be good enough for her, and I feel it in my bones every day.
I hate myself for writing this post, because it reveals all that I loathe in me, repeats truths I've constructed for myself all these years, and it makes me feel like an attention seeking brat.
And I hate myself because I think like that.

I feel trapped. I am angry that I feel trapped. I am angry at the fact that I feel angry when I feel trapped.

My own mind is a mess. I can't think for myself because I just end up being angry at myself. So I build worlds. I write poems and stories, read about different universes and people struggling within those universes. I play games that I invest myself wholly into. Because then, I'm not thinking about myself.

That's why I love the Church. It's the activity where I can forget myself and not feel like a terrible person.

So if you try to help me, remember that I can't even help me, and I already hate this sentence I wrote, because it looks like a passive aggressive plea for help with things I should really be dealing with myself.

Don't worry: I already feel angry at how many times I wrote "I" and "myself" in this post. In fact, I'm already upset that I wrote this post.

I am angry, dissatisfied, upset and full of hatred at myself; and I hate myself for it, because I'm  a firm believer that everyone is good in some way.

Just not me.

I feel trapped.

The Case of Phrakture: My Thoughts on Cheating, Justice and Mercy

I’ve recently come across several teamfortress.tv posts with intense discussions about cheating and the extent to which it should be punished. The topic was shut by admins nearly two years ago, but many of its words still ring true, and it stands as a testament to the difficult topic of cheaters, hackers, and their place in a community. In addition to this, it sparked my interest, which is not something many things can do these days, and inspired me to write my own opinion on the topic (which is never a good idea, but oh well).

To give a bit of background information, the community had discovered that one of their invite players, Phrakture, had an alternate account stained by a VAC ban. Further investigation revealed that the VAC ban had been achieved from his alt participating in a tf2lobby and blatantly hacking to grief the game, achieving 800dpm as sniper and making generally everyone unhappy with the game.

For those that are unsure what 800dpm means, it means that a person would have to hit a headshot literally every 10 seconds for 18 minutes, which is a feat not even the best of the best can perform; he was aimbotting, beyond doubt.

The thread exploded into the normal storms of accusations, blended with suspicion and seasoned by humour from nonsense posters seeking +frags (which are similar to Facebook likes). However, it fundamentally came down to two trains of thought: Phrakture should be banned from competing in ESEA Invite (which is the most prestigious league in North America) and Phrakture should be allowed to continue competing.

Camp Former’s belief stemmed from the fact that if Phrakture could cheat on alternate accounts, a lack of moral restraint was already present and that nothing would really stop him from using his undetectable hacks to gain advantages over his opponents in matches. Cheating his way victory would be possible, as long as he played with the client smartly and avoided the scrutiny of Anti-cheat administrators. This way of thinking was supported by suspicious activity from Phrakture himsel: he had previously dodged two LANs to which he had been invited, which in the eyes of this camp, was a sure sign that he was cheating and unable to perform similar feats on LAN then online.

Camp Latter’s belief came down to believing that Phrakture had not cheated in ESEA before. They believed that Phrakture hacking in tf2lobbies was a significantly less serious offense, and one that was not punishable by league bans. Quoted by BloodSire, an excellent sniper and well-known figure in the community, “The very fact that he signed on an alt and joined a lobby to do these things kind of shows me he was just being a clown”. They believed that any form of punishment for a trivial activity performed for laughs was overreaction. “Guilty until proven innocent has never worked. It never will,” was their argument against Phrakture being banned in Invite, for it was never proven that he had hacked in the matches that “actually mattered”; i.e. officials.

Both camps honestly had very reasonable trains of thought, which is impressive considering how retarded TF.TV arguments can become over time. However, as usual both sides refused to concede, and there was the overhanging shadow that none of the arguments mattered: ESEA was a competitive league and did not function by community vote or opinion. It was purely up to them whether Phrakture would be banned or not, and ESEA had held the stance in the past that as long as known cheaters weren’t caught by their (faulty) anti-cheat client, they were allowed to continue.

In the end, Phrakture came out and made an apology, saying that he had hacked because he was bored, had fun for a while, and eventually got bored of hacking as well. “But it quickly became dull as I realized how counterproductive it was towards my goal of being successful in invite.” The apology came after he had been banned from multiple MGE servers (of which he was allegedly fond of) and was also highly requested by several members of the community: an acknowledgement of the thread’s existence and his stance on the entire incident. The rest of the post was an almost textbook apology, worthy of PR experts. He stated that he loved the game and would never use any cheats to gain advantages over other players. Many were happy with his apology and statement. Many were not. However, when you’ve already committed the crime, redemption is hard to come by, and I honestly expected those reactions from the community. Who’s to say the apology was genuine? Who’s to say it wasn’t?

I digress. My take while reading the event swayed heavily to Camp Former. I’ve always despised cheaters and hackers, and actively seek to have them kicked/banned from servers I am playing on. To me, it makes no sense why you would make the game terrible for yourself, when the entire point of playing a video game is for the challenge and for the drive to improve overall as a player.

However, it’s a more sensitive topic when the person has hacked in games that have been deemed unimportant, and people attempt to stretch that to league bans.

After reading the thread, I realised that personally, hacking is a matter of moral and human principles. While cheating to win and gain acknowledgement as a player undeservingly is despicable in its own right, to me the worst thing about cheating is others suffer when it happens. This is a point that splits both camps that no one brought up in my opinion. Perhaps it is true that Phrakture was lacking a moral compass and that he could potentially cheat to win, since he has done it in the past. Perhaps it is also true that Phrakture would never do that in officials as he was only doing it to amuse himself in games that don’t matter.

But to me, what was most insufferable was the fact that he cheated at all, and other people had to put up with it. That is the fundamental reason that Phrakture should be punished in my mind. Perhaps it is an exaggeration to say that he was actively beating up other players over the internet by using hacks, but he was definitely using the misery of others to satisfy his own happiness.

However, I also believe in redemption and forgiveness. Justice must always be tempered by mercy, and if nothing he does (including apologizing) convinces the community when he truly wishes to repent, then that would be unfair to him. I like to believe that though the human nature is evil, we can constantly strive to become better as long as the effort is constant. A seasonal ban sounded reasonable in my mind; something not too harsh, but a definitive slap on the wrist.

Bottom-line, the point of this post is that a man should be punished, but he should also be forgiven. Balance in everything is the most appropriate course of action. It’s wrong to permanently ban him, but it’s also wrong to just let him go.

Thoughts: Death and my Mom's 54th Birthday.

I recently read in the papers about a child who was confronting the fear of death, and how his mother had to find ways to comfort him about the great beyond.
The one unavoidable truth and necessity of life is that there must be death.
Reading the article made me recall my own confrontation with the truth of death: when my mom announced that she was having a recurrence of breast cancer. Even though she had already confronted the anomaly once before, it was equally terrifying. At that point in time in my 12 year old mind, that meant a return to the instability that had begun the moment we had moved to Singapore.
Later that night, we had a family council where we discussed the new events. My mom had gone from perfectly healthy to at risk in one day. Inevitably, the topic of her passing came up. We dodged around it mostly, but it was still a lingering, pungent smell, and something I could not shake my mind of.
Anyone who knows about my religion (Mormon, or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints), will know that we believe in Eternal Life and the Plan of Salvation, or Happiness. However, my 12 year old mind had not truly comprehended that doctrine.
I used to sleep in my mom’s bed, and that night I filled my pillow with tears. She came into the room wondering what was wrong, and I told her that I was afraid of death.
I think that, although my understanding of the Gospel Truth was incomplete, I still knew and believed in the afterlife, and that I would not cease existing the moment I passed. I think what differed me from the 10 year-old child in the article was that I already had a profound knowledge of what was beyond.
What I didn’t want was the pain of death, and the pain of my mother passing.
I specifically brought up the topic of Armageddon, the second coming of Christ, which is said to be a time of violence and destruction. I feared existing in those times, because of all the painful ways I could die.
My mother comforted me with the scriptures, telling me of how to righteous saints, death and transformation to the immortal body will be “in the blink of an eye”, and that I had nothing to fear as long as I kept the commandments. It alleviated my fears somewhat, but not entirely.
My mother passed away nearly 3 years later, and I was left confronting the monster of her death, and the beast of my life without her.

Coming to terms
I’m not sure about how my family dealt with my mother’s death. I think we all had regrets and suffered. Han had to go on his mission, and I never would have imagined that the last time he ever saw her would be at the airport, waving goodbye. Shuan had always had a good relationship with her, being the obedient son and primary help with chores. Ern was always the most troublesome with his rebelliousness, but I saw him cry the most when she was at the verge.
Finally, there was me.
I can speak for no one but myself, but I think I actually dealt with her death the worse.
I had always had this stupid blind faith and hope that she would get better, right at the last second. It’s partly attributable to the teachings of the Church, but it was mostly because of my childishness: the inane belief that the world revolved around me, that I was the protagonist of this story.
When I arrived at her hospital bed to find her lifeless body, I cried the least. I was crushed inside, but I thought I should smile because everyone would be weeping. I tried to be that one desperate ray of sunshine in the midst of mourning showers.
In retrospect, it was an egregious mistake, perhaps one of the biggest I regret.
People always speak of celebrating life instead of mourning death, and I think I tried just that. I tried to move past it as quickly as possible, while maintaining that she had a good life and that she was in a better place. All I ended up doing was penning up feelings of frustration, sadness, and losing the ability to mourn.
This was one of the greatest turning points from turning me into one of the least talkative people I know. I became brooding, and I cried constantly at night away from people that could see. I didn’t want to let my tears show, because I feared that people would wrongly sympathise, and that I was using my mother’s passing to gain some form of sick brownie points.
Even now, I can’t fully describe the feelings that I had back then. I was never angry at God, because I had by then a secure knowledge of the Plan of Salvation.
Maybe I just missed my mother the most, because I hadn’t allowed myself to let go properly.
There isn’t any real point to this post. Recently my best friend’s father passed away, and he’s in very much the same position as I am.
If there was any advice I could give him, it’s that he should talk to people about his feelings and about his dad. I missed my mom so much it hurt, but I didn’t want to mourn, and that made it hurt more. The best way I can describe it is like holding back tears, but holding them back so much that they accumulate until you can no longer be rid of them. They burst the banks frequently, and in a greater volume than if you had let them all out at once. 
Don’t try to move past someone’s death. Getting on with life is okay, but only if you get on with a proper memory of them. I had disconcerting dreams of my mother never having died in the first place, but coming back, revealing that she had abandoned us in order to pursue her education. I don’t wish that upon anyone else, or the feeling of perennial sadness that engulfed me following her passing.
To me, you can only celebrate someone’s life after you’ve mourned their death. Then they become a part of you, and you can properly carry them with you as you move on.

Reintroduction

  Haha... Wow. Just how long has it been since I've actually posted anything here.

  Hello Mr.Nobody that for some reason is reading this. I'm Ray, and this is supposed to be my personal blog that I have not touched for years and years, owing to me not having any interest in writing, and the fact that this blog never belonged to me in the first place, simply maintained by my dad while I jumped on and off his computer.

  Ah, the good old days.

  Well, this blog won't be my main concern; I'll just post one or two things every now and then. Now, in 2013, I suppose that Facebook is the main player in keeping records and memories. Blogger is still a good tool though; here I can write as much as I want and not feel bad about it.

  I haven't got anything particular to talk about. I just posted here to prove something; I'm still not sure what. But if you read this, know that I'm still alive, and it's been about five or six years since I've touched this. Also, know that I'm extremely embarrassed at how I used to spell and type. I guess experience really does change things.

  My O's are coming up and it's a busy time. Stuff to study and review.

  I'm not really going to dwell on that here.

  If anyone's interested, I've set up a writing blog where I just post whatever stuff I want: poems, short stories, allegories, whatever.

  Even Final Fantasy Transcripts.

Hi. Sorry for not updating for so long, but my interests are not usually in blogging.

Today, I went to a birthday party for my nephew and niece. I had a great time(I usually do...) while playing with my nephew, David's, friends. When I got there, I found my niece, Beverly, with a church friend. I had brought along some so called "gadgets" that consisted of: a listening device (a bug if you will), a motion detector (which rings when it detects movement) and a set of night vision goggles.

We had a pretty fun time checking them out.

The church friend's name was something like Yu Han. I know its pretty mean, but I made fun of him and Beverly. As the guest started to arrive, I started getting a little bored, so I helped out a bit with preparing for the real party. But at one point, I realized I had been unaware of something.

At that time I hadn't known that the party would be for two people, not only one. I only realized when Beverly stuck her hand out, demanding a present from me. I didn't have one. I didn't have anything for David either but I had the nerve not to ask whose other birthday it was?

I felt pretty bad.

The party started of with a the food of course. Family and guest swarmed to get the most delicious food. The children like me especially targeted the two boxes of Japanese pizza and pizza in the four boxes from Pizza Hut. Great food it was! I had one of my favorite food. Potatoes. My mom had cooked potato salad for the party! I took a large helping (under my terms as my body is quite small) and ate away. I also had a sushi with salmon meat on the top. It was begged for (no exaggeration on that) from a boy called Jonathan.I didn't get on my knees of course.

After that, I played with balloons with some of a few new found friends and a nephew called Joshua. Then, it was back to boredom. Beverly and Yu Han went to the pool for a swim in the dark while David had gone in earlier. I had lost my favorite playmate. I went back up to the clubhouse where the party took place. I was not allowed to swim as it was Sunday so I was annoyed and jealous. Go figure.

Finally, I was forced to enter into the games of David and his friends. They had borrowed my gadgets. I got in in the nick of time to play two games of police and thief, using the gadgets to make it more exciting. Then, I volunteered to play capture the flag. We needed more players so we went up stairs to recruit somemore. We found some children playing scrabble. Beverly and Yu Han were there as they had finished swimming (I tell you, the two were never seen apart the whole party). We got a few people to play with us. Unfortunenatly only a few people came to the playground below which was our meeting spot and soon, they wandered off.

The capture the flag idea had been a complete failure.

We went up to the clubhouse and just hung around for awhile before it was time to sing the birthday songs. We sang and afterward, the guest started to depart. Finally, Beverly vented her anger which seemed to be keeping in for quite a while by whacking Yu Han with balloons after playing ping pong with him. I joined in the fun when I saw what was happening after whacking the ping pong ball with a balloon. I guess I needed something else to do.

Then, was time to go. We had a lift home by my cousin. I had relunctantly entered the car. It had not been so boring. But when I chatted with Beverly on Live messenger, she said she had not enjoyed the party. I wondered why. Beverly had been maturing at a fast rate and was usually more emotional but I thought she had some fun at least.

I guess she needs to loosen up. I typed to her telling her she was acting as though the world hated her.

She typed back a yes....

Relax Beverly!

Yeepee!My heart leaped for joy.It was the school holidays and it was time to enjoy.However,right now,its almost the end of the four weeks of school holidays!

On the third week of the June holidays,probably on Tuesday,we went to KL to visit our friends.KoKo and Shuan didn't come,but we had a vistor from young man in clementi ward(our ward)to come with us to KL!

Next day,I went to Derrick Wongs house and slept over for the night.It was fun.I brought along my new Pokemon CD's!We watched it in the afternoon.At night,we played a game we invented with Vincent(the previous trip I came Gordan and Vincent came to sleep over and we had a pokemon pillow fight!)

When I was going back to Ukay Heights house,I begged mom to let Derrick come with us for a short while.Instead,mom let him come with us to Kuantan(where his cousins live.)

We got to see Rex again(sahpak's dog that bit KoKo)and I introuduced him to Derrick who hadn't a good feeling about him!The at night,we had a pillow fight with Ern and John.Derrick was on my side.Acctually,we reached at evening and me and Derrick went straigt to the beach once we got our hands on the keys.We(me and Derrick)didn't acctually swim,we dug a few ponds and connected them with alot of tilted canals.We did this to drain water and bring it back to the sea!

After hours of fun,we finally went back into the house to take a shower.After that,we went out and had dinner.Then we went to the bed room and had that pillow fight I mentiond about.Then we rolled our selves in the bed covers like sauseges and the objective was to try and escape.

After some much wriggling,we finally went to sleep.In the morning,we had breakfast and went to the beach.We saw how dad controlled Tiger(sahpak's dog)!

This time,we spent most of the time in the water which was really fun.We played with the foamy waves pretending they were our enemies and I even went kanooeing with mom!

Later,we had lunch and played some card games.Then,at night,sahum sevred us to a wonderful western dinner.Next day was saturday.We woke up at about 5:30,loaded the car and went back to KL.

We dropped Derrick at his house,said goodbye to Kakatun and left for singapore.Since I hadn't got my new glasses,I had to return to KL the next day!!

KoKo went with me to KL this time.But Shuan decided to stay in Singapore.We went to the Ukay Heights house.Kakatun was suprised to see me.I spent the night with her.

The next morning,dad came and picked me,Kakatun and Simba up to bring us to the apartment where he lives.It was nice staying there.On Friday,dad brought me to my old school and I got to see my friends!

Today,Derrick was very suprised to see me still here!To my suprise,Shayna and Connans family were here too!Well,I leave for Singapore tommorow.Well,thats all I got to say now.Byyyyyyeeeeeee>.<

This is Derrick and me at the beach

Our success!

Mmmm...delicious crabs!

At the Teluk Chempedak beach with my best friend

Me and Mom at the Teluk Chempedak beach

Me and my old friends in Chung Hwa, my former school in KL